Shoot it with a Gun
the first part is about famesick and slayyyter and New Berlin, but when you scroll down you get to—oh boy—a discussion of the Supernatural reunion on The Boys. Oh brother right? God help us all
A few weeks ago, Scarlet bar in Chicago posted that they were auditioning new DJ’s to help cover some of their weekend slots. I sent this to many of my friends with “!!!!!” as the accompanying message.
A lot of my friends were like, “omg do it you have to do it” and for a few short hours (two days) I told myself that I—of “this DJ sucks” fame, of “put me on the aux I’ll have these girls down on their knees” fame, I—of zero actual practical DJ knowledge—thought for two whole days that I was going to be America’s Next Top Scarlet DJ. I made a playlist and everything. I had a friend who was going to give me a board and everything1. I was thinking what you would call me as a DJ, what my DJ name would be2, I was imaging this new life for myself, I was thinking ten feet ahead of me, at all the future that could be.
I was committed to this, very gung ho about it. I saw it as the only way forward—and then reality set in. What me DJ? I have never touched a board in my life. I don't have any of the practical skills. I won’t knock my music taste, my ass does in fact know what songs will get those girls onto that floor, but I gotta gestate a little bit. I gotta be realistic. It’s like okay, let’s learn to use a board first and get a sample and mix a song and then we’ll go from there. “Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun.” Baryshnikov said that. I heard it recently cause Dakota Fanning told me about it in the film Uptown Girls. What do you think about Uptown Girls? People really love that movie don’t they. That’s so nice, it’s a nice movie for people to love. When you think of Baryshnikov though do you think about how his last name is used as the punchline to jokes, or do you think about how he played one of Carrie’s love interests on Sex and the City? Do you think it’s crazy that Baryshnikov is not only still alive but also current enough that he was a recurring character on Sex and the City. When everything about him—name, profession, quotes—makes it seem like he was alive in the 1840s, not someone who would be a recurring guest star on the show Sex and the City? Time huh? Pretty wacky.
Anyway.
Like Baryshnikov another person’s whose name is often used as a punchline is Lena Dunham. In fact, she alludes to this in the opening of her new memoir Famesick. In fact, on the most recent episode of the Amazon Prime Television series The Boys, Seth Rogen, cameoing as himself, makes a joke about how he can ask Lena Dunham to write an essay for The Atlantic. Misha Collins was also there.
The punchline to the joke is that an essay by Lena Dunham will be the thing to spark cultural change. This exchange, that was written—or improvised—and filmed months ago, that was supposed to be a dig, has taken on a completely different meaning in the last few weeks. When Seth Rogen said he, he could not have comprehended the change in how we use the name Lena Dunham. The way it is still changing after this memoir. So this throwaway line that was supposed to be a dig, takes on a fully new and exciting spiky meaning. Fuck ah, I’m getting ahead of myself, The Boys stuff is coming later.
Anyway.
Me wanting to be a Scarlet DJ is kind of funny cause I didn’t even get into pop music until a date so recent it is embarrassing to admit. Honestly, it wasn’t until my senior year of college and when I started going to Berlin.
Before that when I was getting ready to go out I would—and I am being dead serious here—play “Farewell Transmission” by Jason Molina as I was like doing my makeup and shit. Sometimes Cheap Trick, but mostly, goddamn, “Farewell Transmission” by Jason Molina under his Songs: Ohia moniker. So like yeah it makes sense that I wasn’t really wanting to stay out that late or drink that much cause I was pregaming to a seven minute song that is about like, well, death.
I first heard about Slayyyter in those few months after Budapest when I was back in Chicago, living in this dingy sublet with no AC and slanted floors. They were slanted baad. I think one night we set a skateboard at one end of the long hallway in the kitchen, and it rolled all the way down to the living room on its own. We didn’t have to push it or anything. Dirt cheap rent though.
Slayyyter was introduced to me in snippets of conversation like, “slayyyter—new song—in town—Berlin after”. Many conversations in my life at that time ended with, “Berlin after.”
Well Slayyyter has a new album and they’re bringing Berlin3 back, haven’t you heard? Or I guess a new club called “Decibel” has reopened in the space it used to occupy. And they’re saying that they’re, “committed to upholding Berlin’s vision,” but I’m skeptical. Me and Tim O'Reilly over at God’s Lolita have been in instagram dms all week talking about it, going over every single inch of every released video and review. Watch this space, New Berlin review incoming.
Anyway—they’re saying Berlin is back and Slayyyter has a new song out called “Crank”. Okay so—Slayyyter has this song out. This song is called “Crank” and this song is incredible. She put the whole ethos of the dance floor into that song. Slayyyter put drugs into that song, I can’t explain it better then that. She put drugs in that song.
Not that I have ever been asked, but if people were to ask, “Mary Rose what one song encapsulates the feeling of a night out?” I would stand so fast out of my chair and I would shout, to the sun or moon or like that Norman Rockwell meme, “Crank by Slayyyter! It’s Crank by Slayyyter!”
If I was on a game show, something maybe like Jeopardy, and the answer was “2026 hyperpop hit that perfectly encapsulates the whole ethos of the dance floor” I would be hitting my buzzer so hard I would break it and before Ken could give me the floor I would say, “WHAT IS CRANK BY SLAYYYTER”
I am in a courtroom and I am on the witness stand and I have been asked by the prosecuting lawyer to point to the person that has committed the crime, the person that made this insane pop hit, “It was her Your Honor, it was Slayyyter with her song ‘Crank’.” “Let the record reflect the witness is pointed to the blonde baddie in the corner with the busted extensions and devil-may-care attitude.”
My sister was going to her final prom last Friday and she texted me “listening to brat on the way to dinner :)” and I had just been on a walk and witnessed how my steps and stride increased in power the second I pressed play on “Crank” by Slayyyter and I texted her and said PLAY THIS AFTER and sent it. I had no idea how this would fall onto the ears of a bunch of normie adjacent 18 year olds in Indiana, but there are drugs in that song.
It contains lyrical masterpieces like, “He wanna fuck Slayyyter, Richard we should link later,” and “I get so gay off that Tequila,” “I stay straight, I stay bad, I keep my finger on the TRIGGER.” And it’s like okay I get what Slayyter is saying here, what she is saying is—Shoot it with a Gun.
Feeling bad and stressed, pent up and strange? Shoot it with a gun. Not getting a text back from a boy, feeling weird about that text you sent—shoot it with a gun. Stuck in traffic again—shoot it with a gun. For some fucking reason you’re driving on Clybourn Avenue between 4:15 and 6pm?—shoot it with a gun.
Your apartment has a weird smell you can’t pinpoint the location of and the bathroom sink isn’t draining—shoot it with a gun. Someone got the last almost ripe avocado at Aldi—shoot it with a gun. You forgot about said avocado and now its gone bad—shoot it with a gun. All annoyances in your life, great and small, the thing that make you clench your jaw and your fist. Put on “Crank” by Slayyyter and shoot it with a gun.
Like, you’re number 1,564 on the waiting list for a library copy of Yesteryear and you already bought Famesick at your local book store cause you wanted to feel included in Clare Frances book club, but you can’t afford to buy another book this month and pay for a single uber on a night out, so now you’re probably won’t get a copy of Yesteryear until your desire to read it has passed—shoot it with a gun.
Gas is 5 a gallon—shoot it with a gun. Your car is 150 miles past its oil change but you know when you go to get your oil changed the guys at Jiffy Lube are gonna take one look at your car and say “that should not be on the road”, so you’re all practicing all the things in your head that you’re going to say to them, “What was that? Sorry I didn’t hear you, oil change please!”—shoot it with a gun. The only friend that got back to you about going out this weekend doesn’t live in the same city—shoot it with a gun. You’re almost out of Costco Margarita Mix—shoot it with a gun. You’ve been out of shampoo for way longer than you care to admit and are scrapping by in ways that they should write about in textbooks—shoot it with a gun. You’re out of face lotion but all your fun money went to Famesick—shoot it with a gun. Jeremy O’Harris was in Chicago promoting Erupjca and he went to Sidetrack after, and you were not only in town but also free and you didn’t find out until days later—shoot it with a gun. The only showtime for the movie you want to see is at 10:30pm—shoot it with a gun.
Oh? What was that? You want to say some shit to me? How about I shoot you with a gun. You’re clearly not listening to me? Here is my gun that I will shoot you with. God forbid a girl bring her gun to a words fight, God forbid. Why don’t you just shoot me with that gun while you’re at it. If you’re so mad at me, here is a gun.
Guest Boys of the Week
Okay so, I am very proud of all that writing I did above and how niche and fun and specific it is. So now bear with me, please. Strap in with me. As I’m going to spend longer then necessary talking about the Supernatural reunion on the Amazon Prime TV show The Boys. Shows that I do not expect anyone to watch or care about4, and are not nearly as cool or buzzy as topics like “Lena Dunham has a new book out”, or “Slayyyter has a new album out,” or “they opened a new club in the old Berlin space.” And yet I persist, and yet I am about to write hundreds of words to you about the Supernatural reunion on the TV show The Boys. In fact, most of this letter was written days ago and it has taken this long to get this out cause I had to somehow transform 10 front and back pages of incomprehensible Jensen Ackles related nonsense into something that people would want to read. “You could have just cut it,” some may say. Oh, my simple innocent child, if only that were true. You are reading Shoulda/Woulda/Coulda, Substack’s preeminent source of Jensen Ackles related topics and scholarship. I had no choice but this one.
You do not need to have any knowledge about The Boys or what it is about going into this. I also have no idea what The Boys is about, I just fast forward to every scene Jensen Ackles is in. Anyway, let’s get into it.
Jared Padalecki
Jared Padalecki still can’t act. I stand by this. He stammer acts. He does this thing where instead of putting emotion behind his actions, he just stammers through every line delivery. Once you notice he’s doing it you will never unsee it. My brother in law said to me about Jared, “he’s good at acting like a coked out weirdo.” And I responded, “yes because this is closer to his natural state.”5 His acting in this episode is not different then anything he did on Supernatural. Which brings me to my next point: Am I to read from this prefromance, that he was playing Sam Winchester as a coked out weirdo???? (wait actually yes in some seasons)
Acting aside, Jared was given some of the best lines of dialogue this whole episode and the walls were lined with paintings of his face and fake movie posters6. They gave Jared some great stuff here and I’m happy for him, he deserves it honestly. He deserved to be made a big deal on this show if even for a moment.
Some of my favorite lines of his:
The above mentioned Mischa Barton one
Saying, “Chill out MacGruber” to Will Forte. And now I am wondering if they will bring it up onThe Lonely Island and Seth Meyers podcast this week. I mean with this and noted Quaid, Jack Quaid being on the show, it will at least warrant a mention right? A click or two?7
“I’ll always think of you when I watch An American Pickle.” This is so fucking funny, this is one of the funniest fucking things that has ever been said on a TV show and Jared Padalecki said it as he killed Seth Rogen. Incredible. Incredible.
Misha Collins
Misha Collins is playing himself, in case you were wondering. All of his lines were about being against fascism, pro abortion and not being recognized by someone who has met him several times. Oh and then Jensen Ackles kills him. Yep, sounds about right.
I never talk about Misha’s acting when talking about Supernatural, not cause it’s good, but because cause Misha Collins is not an actor. He is a politician and intellectual, who was told by George Lucas he was going to play Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones8 and that somehow got us to Destiel. I don’t know what else to say really, he is very famous on the internet. I think he could have a promising late stage career playing versions of himself on Hollywood Satire shows.
Jared and Jensen sit near a table doing cocaine, as in the background, they are surrounded by comedy A-Listers and Homelander
Jensen Ackles just did a line of cocaine on my TV screen— Quick! Someone put on crank by Slayyyter.
The things that they have had Jensen Ackles say and do while participating in The Boys universe altered my brain chemistry in ways that none can truly understand. I actually like, I can’t put into words what this scene did to me. This was like the day they did Destiel part 29 as I watched Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki do cocaine surrounded by comedy A-Listers and also Homelander, whoever this “Homelander” is. We used to pray for times like these. When Supernatural was on, they couldn’t even say the word “shit”, this is not a scene I even knew I could want for, much less see with my own two eyes.
When they bring Supernatural back—when not if—it has to be on cable or streaming. Cause now I thinking of all the things Eric Kripke can do or could’ve done on Supernatural if it wasn’t on the CW…I’m thinking about what Sam and Dean could’ve done and can still do…thinking about Jared and Jensen at the bar sharing cocaine…thinking about that being written knowing it was going to be acted out by Jared and Jensen…thinking about it…still thinking about it.
The Celebrity Cameos
Kumail Nanjiani, Will Forte, Seth Rogen and McLovin10 were also there playing sad and pathetic versions of themselves. Some on the internet are likening their cameo appearances to Rogen’s film, This is the End. I was sitting there saying, “so nice they invited all these comedians to the Supernatural reunion.”
Kumail and Seth Rogen and Will Forte and McLovin, and also Craig Robinson who shows up later, are kind of “stars”, they’re “famous people” with “household names” and awards and nominations and recognition and yet my first thought was—were they starstruck to be in the same room as Jensen Ackles?
Okay so basically this episode ends with a blood bath as Jensen and Jared in character as “Solider Boy” and “Mister Marathon” end up murdering all those comedy actors. Bearing witness to this…my hands were on my knees I was kicking and screaming, I was on the floor…it’s like yes—put some respect on my girls names! To have them all die by the hand of Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki—there is something poetic here, at least there is to me. You could extrapolate something out of this about Hollywood, and how Jared and Jensen working so hard for years in relative obscurity. No real recognition from critics or Hollywood or people that “matter” and they were on one show for 15 years and yeah, so was Patrick Dempsey but he got to go back to movies after he left Grey’s Anatomy. So it is like yeah—have Jared and Jensen do their thing they’re so fucking good at and have it blow up Hollywood. To me it read as, “Hollywood has ignored my precious boys for too long,” (it was Eric Kripke saying this).
I am so used to the names “Jared Padalecki” and “Jensen Ackles” and “Misha Collins” being things that only mattered in my head and in various corners of the internet. And yes they are very famous in their own ways, but people out in the world do not know or talk about them. It’s like they were my imaginary friends or something, only I could see them, only I knew they existed. So it broke my brain a little bit to see them interact with actors and stars other people would be able to name. Like here is a scene of Jensen Ackles acting alongside The Office’s Craig Robinson, here he is laughing with Seth Rogen, here is Jared Padalecki exploding Will Forte from TV’s SNL (not pictured)
This just tickles to me to my core. My imaginary friends are real! You can see them too! It’s validating for them and my love of their show and their careers and I didn’t really know how much I needed to see it. And it is shallow that I needed this validation, that it had to come with celebrity cameos on the TV show is one of the most watched in the world right now.
But it means something to me, it just does. I get giddy every time I hear one of my friends watch the show and say, “Hey isn’t that Jensen Ackles? He is hot and good in this.”
I had so much to say about Jensen Ackles that it’s going to have to carry over to another post
But I will share these:
I need Jensen to do a Hudson Williams style 20 minute skin care routine, cause he is 48 years old and his skin is luminous. I do not currently have a skin care routine (scary) but I need Jensen to drop his, cause that is the one I want to adopt
I’m sad Hacks is ending cause it’s one of TV’s best shows, but I am also sad its ending before Jensen ever had a chance to be on it. He would do great things on Hacks. Or Misha honestly. They should have done the Supernatural reunion on Hacks just for fun.
Does Lena Dunham know who Jensen Ackles is?
Here’s a new section: does [insert person famous or otherwise] know who Jensen Ackles is? This week we ask: Does Lena Dunham know who Jensen Ackles is?
The answer: Yes. On her Netflix show, Too Much, there is a reference to an early 00’s TV show called Dark Angel that starred Jessica Alba and then costarred a certain acclaimed actor named Jensen Ackles. Also yes cause she’s Lena Dunham and she knows what the fuck is up.
god, im sorry for this one. If you actually read all of that if you made it to the end, tell me and i will send you a gift in the mail. im not kidding, i love you so much for reading all that i will show my love by sending you something in the mail. also this means if you dont reach out to me asking for your gift in the mail, ill know you didnt read the whole thing and i will add you to my not list. im so tired. ill see you all soon xx
Sam if you’re reading this I will still want the board, please. pleassseeee
I haven’t settled on this yet, but I’m not gonna over think it, one of the best DJs in Chicago right now is literally just called Kirk
HUGE NOTE: when I wrote this I had not yet been to the nightclub I will only be referring to as New Berlin. I have since been. Stay tuned, there will be a New Berlin specific post coming out soon. watch this space
I go so back and forth on recommending supernatural to people or not, cause for how borderline unwatchable it became, the first five seasons are pretty great. And it would be a shame to deprive people of experiencing Dean Winchester. He is one of the greatest characters in TV history and also so hot it should be illegal
speaking of why is he commenting on this AI edited instagram reel of him in a scene from Cheaper by the Dozen?
quaid army
this is true by the way. you cannot make up misha collins’ resume if you tried
And this is where I take a moment to apologize to my roommate Liz for the noises I was making and for the amount of time I rewound this scene the other night. She was just trying to sleep.
I know the actors name but it is too long and you all know who I am talking about when I say McLovin anyway